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azn_littlegirl
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Name: Melissa
Gender: Female
Interests: Math, art, debate, reading, piano, singing, tennis
Expertise: (d) None of the above :DI don't know what I'm good at, you tell me lol
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  honeybeechan
Member Since:
9/28/2003
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| I am thankful to God for placing so many wonderful people in my life... I am thankful to God for Soo Eun, Gerina, Elaine, Sarah, Neal... Or else today I may not have had the joy of knowing Him, nor would I have known the joy of serving with His children | | |
| After finally graduating high school, I felt the need to look back to my past once again before moving on to the future. And thus, from midnight my musings began...
I've changed. It took me a while to embrace it, but I really have made progress, despite my feelings of stagnation in more recent years. As I flipped through my sketchbooks and doodles from elementary school, I realized that I had made significant progress as an artist in both creativity and technique. As I thought back to one of my earliest piano recitals where I was enraptured by Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu performed by one of Orchepia's star pupils (an eighteen-year-old boy said to practice the piano for the school's proclaimed record of about four hours each day), I realized that I had grown as a musician; I am currently learning that very piece I never imagined I could play, let alone at this day and age. Moreover, as I read through old word documents archived from sixth grade, I realized that I had matured as a writer, stylistically and mechanically... and I have also matured as a person. I almost forgot how terribly obnoxious, ignorant, and naive I was. Though I am not satisfied with who I am now, I must say that I whole-heartedly despise the annoying, shallow, arrogant, helpless, selfish little girl I was. I had done and said some cruel, heartless things to people around me, though at the time my actions seemed perfectly acceptable. I don't know how I can possibly atone for all my past wrongdoings. Worse still, some of these bad habits have carried over to my present self... Despite how much I've changed for the better, more changes have yet to be made.
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| A while ago, Gerina wrote a note expressing her concern with the shallow and/or deteriorating relationships within our circle of friends. She said we didn't "know" each other, or at least, we knew very little past perhaps our academic histories...and she was absolutely right. In my case, for example, I had regarded her (probably the most taken for granted of us all, might I add) as one of my best friends since middle school, yet I didn't understand a thing about her. I felt terrible and decided to make an attempt to get to know her better. We talked throughout all of lunch at school one day, which was really great, but that was it; it was just one day, before I had already begun to drift away again. It makes me wonder... does this reflect how much I value my friends? To give them up so easily... I really wish I could say that I cherish them all dearly (as I always had), but if so, why am I not doing anything? It's so frustrating. Sometimes it feels like I'm actually trying to push them away. My lack of communication/participation during breaks or lunch is evidence enough. Most of the time, I just sit there like some lonely, pitiful creature, staring at the closed circle of faces in front of, away from, but hardly ever around me (though I really can't blame anyone but myself for this). Or, I just go to the music room to play the piano. I do enjoy being alone, but I don't want to lose my friends... so I suppose my fear is that my habits are getting to be a bit too much...
Quite oddly, it feels as if this is the first year I've seen that my friends are indeed human beings with their own personal struggles and conflicts. On one hand, I feel somewhat guilty for being so self-concerned to the point of being blind to their needs; and on the other hand, I feel surprised yet grateful that they would have enough trust to confide in me (especially over such delicate matters). I really admire them for being so strong and enduring their hardships so gracefully--silent suffering, I suppose? It's interesting that we appear to be more connected through misery or misfortune than through happiness or success.
Andrew is leaving us... I didn't know how to react when he told me, and I still don't know how to react when it actually happens. I guess I'll find out when I see the empty desk tomorrow.
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